“Depression isn’t feeling ‘sad all the time. It’s knowing you have stuff to do but not doing it, never getting out of bed, never being to able to sleep, having no motivation to do anything and hating yourself. Depression isn’t just sadness.”
I was scrolling through Instagram and I happened to read this on a post. I’m always trying to stay positive and happy. I have had some lows in the past. I don’t think the reasons were important, but those phases surely were. They taught me some great lessons in life and have shaped me to be the person I am today. I am really proud of the person I’ve turned out to be, and I think I’ve adapted or adjusted myself to make sure I get myself out of those situations faster. I think I’ve trained myself to be okay being alone, just to be with myself.
The post really did get me thinking. I didn’t know what I was going through was depression. But now thinking more about it, it’s clear that it was. It was a crazy phase in my life. There were people in my life, friends and family, who I sweared by. But in that situation, I felt all alone. I considered myself the life of my group of friends, and I didn’t know what being alone felt like, so it really hit me bad.
I dated a guy from my group and for some reason he wanted to keep our relationship s secret. I really struggled with that, and I tried really hard to break up, but I couldn’t. Eventually, he just broke up with me saying that I cheated on him. Haha! Me? I cheated on him! Can you believe him?
I was so upset, I used to cry my eyes out. But the break up obviously didn’t stop him from calling me over just to make out. Meanwhile, my other friends didn’t know about the break up, so he would be around all the time. Another friend, who I considered really close, was thankfully there for me. We hung out a lot, went for drives all the time.
I really valued our friendship and a couple of times when I felt that he probably likes me, I told him clearly that I don’t. I never just strung him along. One fine day, we were hanging out with a couple of office colleagues (including a boy I didn’t like much), and I got really drunk. Somehow, that led to something else, that guy and I ended up kissing (while my friend was driving). I was so drunk! My friend got really angry and he started asking us when we started dating and all that. Thankfully, my colleague came along with us and got me dropped home.
Next morning, my colleague and I didn’t know what to say to each other. And, my friend wrote me a long message saying that he was going to propose to me or something, and that he was really mad.
I got really mad. I had told him a couple of times earlier, that I would stop talking to him, to give him some space to get over me if he asked me out again. He had promised me that it wouldn’t happen again. Since it happened again, I told him we should not talk for a while.
On the other hand, my colleague and I spoke and kind of figured things out. We dated for a while, and then were in a relationship for over a year.
Coming back to that group of friends, now there were two boys in the group I didn’t want to talk to. By the way, when I refused to go meet my ex again, apparently he got upset cause I was over him (after a year of asking him to get back). The girls in the group were either married or getting married, and these two boys would always be there, so I started meeting them a little less. I thought if my friend hung out with these people, it would help him get over me faster. I tried meeting them here and there, but because of those two guys hanging out more, they had a lot of inside jokes suddenly, and I didn’t know what was happening. I got quite bored. But I still made it a point to hang out with them.
My relationship was going really well, and I obviously thought this was it. He was the one and all that. On the day my close girlfriend was getting married, he broke up with me. I was so broken, but I obviously didn’t tell anyone. I kept trying for a long time to get back, but he apparently broke up with me for “my” good. So now, all my girlfriends were married, those guys made rude jokes on me all the time, made me sit in the same seat and same car that got me into a fatal accident, that it just got too much. It just kept getting me more and more upset. I just wanted to be by myself, not alone, but by myself.
I was practically sitting at home, watching the K shows with my mom, playing with my niece, and crying my heart out every night. I just kept trying so hard to get back with my ex, cause I knew he didn’t want to break up either. But after a point, I decided to give up, saw that there was no point. When I looked back, my friends were not with me anymore. There were just taunts all the time. So I hung out with a few other friends, even dated a couple of people just to get out of my old relationship, but nothing seemed to be working.
I felt so shitty, obviously hated myself. I thought I was good for nothing and I was entirely responsible for all the wrong things in my life. I also thought I deserved my accident. I had zero motivation to do anything. I did a lot of random shit, I had to force myself to get out of bed every morning. If I wasn’t working or my niece wasn’t around, I don’t think I would have even gotten up. I barely slept, would be up all night and then head to work. I was just so sad all the time. I thought multiple times.. if I die.. or even that I don’t deserve to live. But somehow I would talk myself out of it. I would meet a few friends, and just sit quietly, not say a word. There were a few people in my life who were there for me very unexpectedly. I read a few things they wrote about me, and obviously heard their perception/ view of me, and I was surprised.
I really respected these friends, so this really opened my eyes. I started seeing myself through their eyes and I suddenly realized that I wasn’t a bad person. In fact, they considered me a really good friend and they loved me, respected me. I suddenly felt like I was worth it. It changed my perspective completely, and then I started realizing a lot of things. I won’t blame anyone, there were a lot of misunderstandings and bad situations, but I was just glad that I wasn’t at fault.
I felt good about myself. Today, I realized that I was depressed at that time. I really was. I am glad I’m out of it. And sometimes I think I can’t let my life depend so much on just one person, I keep trying not to make that mistake again. (A big sorry to my husband, if he feels negatively about this) I’m just happy to say that I’m over it. I do wish my friends were still with me, I still miss a few of them. I don’t know how and why they gave up on me, but I guess it was meant to be. I have a great set of friends now, and I know for a fact, they’ll always be around me, especially my “best” friend, my husband. 🙂